MOPS

Last fall I started working at a local Mothers of Preschoolers meeting that meets every other Thursday.  I knew it would be a great way to continue to be around kids like I always have been, mostly because I knew there was no telling how long it would be before Karl & I made friends with anyone... let alone people with children.  I have such a soft spot in my heart for kids- I LOVE them all and just die everytime I get to spend time with them (especially babies & toddlers).  Anyways, I was initially placed in the 16-24 month room- such a fun age!  Sweet babies, some a little unsteady on their feet, exploring their voices and learning to put words together, starting to share or maybe be selfish... anyways, it was so fun... except for Deb.  I think Deb (slightly changing name for the sake of her dignity) walked right off the SNL set.  I legitimately laughed out loud during my first interaction with her but then had to recover it when I realized she wasn't joking... I actually don't even know how to put Deb's behavior into words.  She walks around the classroom with Lysol wipes in her hands, won't allow the other workers to use waterless hand sanitizer because the children "may touch our hands and then put their hands in their mouths and get alcohol poisoning," and hypervigilantly watches to ensure that not a second goes by that a child's wet diaper sits unchanged... as in, some children will have their diapers changed 4 or 5 times during the less than 3 hour meeting and most of the time they are dry.  waste.ful.  I typically sit back and watch in awe.  I never considered myself super laid back, until now.  I literally prayed that either Deb or I would be moved to another room- she was not tolerable.  I know, that is so super ridiculous.  Well, after about 5 weeks of Deb-suffrage I was moved to the infant room!  YAYYY!!!  I'm in there with 2 grandmothers who know best, oh lord.  It is infinitely better being in that room and who doesn't love teeny tiny babies?!  And I know that these two women have more experience with babies and kids than most of the mommas that bring in their little ones combined but if they take one more headband off of a baby girl because "that mom doesn't know she is changing her head growth and development" I might scream.  I finally got so irritated last week that I said, "well my mom put headbands on me and my sisters and we've all made it just fine." Ha.  I'm not even sure that we wore headbands but I couldn't handle the wiser than thou comments anymore.  Thennnnnnn, a woman comes in to lend an extra hand that isn't normally in the infant room with us and sees a fussy baby.  I know that this baby has horrible reflux issues and I know that this baby is a thumb sucker.  This woman, we'll call her Pat, immediately and dramatically sweeps this baby up and says, "OH MY GOSH this baby is HUN.GRY. she needs to be fed now!  I had this baby one week and I told the mom that she wasn't feeding this baby enough ounces often enough.  Oh this baby is ready for rice cereal.  Yes, yes she is.  Oh poor baby, you're just starving."  Well, actually this baby is on a strict schedule, she just ate and she is suffering from reflux and gas pain.  "OMG look, she's so hungry she is EATING HER HAND."  Are you kidding me??  She sucks her thumb, similarly to half the world's population under the age of 5.  So, Pat proceeds to make a bottle and begin to feel the baby but she is feeding the baby sitting up so the baby is having issues sucking and swallowing.  Well Pat then proceeds with the following, "OH baby, you are just so hungry you are just inhaling this!!"  Well actually, she is sort of choking because she is eating in an unfamiliar position.  "Well I'm going to have to take this bottle away from you if you're going to suck it down this fast!!"  Well that's smart.  Punish the 4 month old for taking her bottle in a way you see unsuitable.  That'll fix the situation.  THEN it was time to change said baby's diaper.  Oh lord.  Pat did the changing, "OH MY GOSH, Momma needs to air this baby out at home!!  These cloth diapers are just HORRIBLE!  All these 'green' people..."  Seriously?  Because I was under the impression that until about 20 years ago, cloth was all that existed and all of our booties turned out just fine.  Needless to say, that was the longest 3 hours of my life... well, since I was in a classroom with Deb.  I'm hoping Pat decides to NOT make an appearance in the infant room for a looonnnggg time.  And her shenanigans carried on like this with pretty much every single baby, "How about Mom worries more about putting socks on her than a headband?"  Were you not listening when the mom said the baby will not keep socks on? And "Nobody wears smocking anymore.  Why can't more moms dress their babies that way?"  Where I come from, smocking still exists and I see it all the time.  Open.your.eyes.  Pat made matter-of-fact statements for 3 hours straight about everything from autism to reflux to headbands and teenagers.  I wanted to die.  She didn't know that I am a nurse and could literally see full paragraphs in my head out of my med/surg textbook stating the exact opposite of what she was saying.  Get outta here, Pat.

Despite what the previous may seem, MOPS is so fun for me and I really look forward to it all week!  ANND I protect the babies AND moms from people like Pat.  Not only that but I suppose Pat (and Deb) mean well and despite what they say, they take very good care of the kids so nobody is in harm or suffering at all.  But, obviously, I know everything and am the ultimate babysitter.

Hannah K.C. Burton